The Psychosocial Perspective: Dating
and Relationships Part 1: Dating and Why Break Ups Occur
By: Sam Pernicano
Relationships, that’s a hard
subject to discuss without someone beating the living snot out of another
person. Given the approach, the subject
of relationships and break ups can be discussed without the threat of a second
world war. To start the discussion, we
need to go back, way back.
When man first walked the earth it
was natural for a boy to like a girl.
Back then we were hunters and gatherers, so a woman would choose to stay
with the man who could protect her and supply her with the most food and
shelter. You can see that in almost any
animal today.
As we learned to domesticate
animals and the agricultural revolution came around, our values changed. Now women chose to be with men for the same
basic reasons, however, love was beginning to form in the air.
Once we reached the industrial
revolution, women were marrying for love but still kept the original reasons
deep in their minds. There were still
girls out there that were being forced into arranged marriages. Families would have daughters and make them
as beautiful as possible so as to offer them to rich and wealthy men in return
for their money. This was mostly done in
other countries.
After WWII in the USA, the women
began to enter the work force. During
WWII women were forced to work the factories and make the weapons and materials
needed because all or most of the men had gone to war. As women began to enter the work force, the
country began to cry out in frustration against them. Before WWII the women’s job was to get
married, have kids, and stay home and take care of the children and the home.
The outcry against the women
eventually led to the women’s rights movement.
Women were tired of being treated
like “slaves of the house” and they wanted change. They wanted to be able to vote, they wanted
to be able to vote. Eventually women got
what they wanted and were granted their rights.
Today women have equal rights
compared to men, but there’s something that I want you to think about. Though women have equal rights, they are
still suffering more than men. Women are
paid less, suffer with intense emotional cycles due to their menstrual cycles,
become a wreck after metapose, are much more emotional than guys, and usually
take break ups harder than guys do.
I’m not trying to be a complete
jerk but girls just seem to be very delicate members of the human race that
require tender love and care. They
deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion loved and admired for who
they are and not what they are, and told that they look good even when they
don’t.
Now for all you girls out there who
have boyfriends, husbands, or have just ever dated. Think about this, you go with the boys you do
for a reason. But when you feel scared,
who’s usually the first person you call? When you need a place to crash who
would you rather go to, some random guy, or your boyfriends place? If you
wanted to go out on a date to a restaurant who would you call?
Go back to the very beginning, why
did women go to the men they did? Because the men they went to could supply
them with the nourishment, shelter, and protection that they need. Tell me this, have you ever dated a guy who
didn’t protect you, provide you with his house or dorm at a moments notice if
you had no place to stay, and would take you out to eat at a moments notice?
For all you guys out there, there’s
nothing that a girl wants to do more than please her “man”. If there’s one thing I've learned from being
a guy, it’s that a guy likes to feel useful in a relationship. When a guy is in a relationship with a girl
and he doesn’t feel useful it makes him feel like something is wrong.
When it comes to girls, it’s not a
competition. So don’t go punching each
other to the moon over just one girl.
Eventually you will find someone.
Something else that you guys need
to learn, show some compassion! Girls love guys who share their emotions, just
don’t be public about it and don’t show too much. Girls can be emotional at times and when they
are its good to be able to be emotional back.
Trust me, it will greatly benefit you in the end. When you’re there for a girl when she is very
upset and crying, you might be the only person she knows that she can reach.
Being there for your girl in her
times of need will greatly strengthen your relationship. The stronger your relationship is, the less
likely either one of you is likely to cheat on each other.
On a final note, remember one
thing, always keep the lid down, she always looks good, treat her respect, love
her for who she is and not what she is, and your relationship will prosper.
Now onto a more touchy subject,
break ups, and why they happen. It’s
actually due to a psychological effect that begins deep within the brain
halfway through the relationship and eventually covers the entire brain.
When the relationship begins it
starts as a spark, as everyone says, but I'm not talking about a feeling, I’m
talking about a literal spark in the brain that creates a chain reaction that
results in the lust that you feel when you see the person. Every time you see this person, the exact
same spark goes off in the exact same place and you feel the exact same
emotion. As you get to know the person
better and the relationship gets stronger, the lust turns into love, and the
spark gets larger and larger and covers more and more area of the brain. As you get to know the person, eventually you
get to that shining moment in the relationship, the first kiss.
To discuss the first kiss lets go
back a little bit. Lets go back to your
days in middle school (or junior high as the politically correct people like to
call it). For all of you that dated in
middle school, do you remember what it was like? It was a whole new world, you
were maturing and growing up and you really liked some guy or girl, but you
were extremely nervous about asking them out.
Or maybe you were one of those people who was outgoing and didn’t let
their nervousness get in their way. You
went over and just said, “Would you like to go out sometime?” (Or something
like that). Or maybe you were the secret
lover type. You would secretly admire a
girl or guy from afar and maybe even slip notes into their locker or something
like that. Or you could have been one of
the VERY common aggressive lover types.
You would begin to like a person, but instead of showing that you like
them, you pick on them. You tease them,
you bully them, and you pick on them.
This is very common in middle and elementary schools and is mostly done
by boys.
No matter what kind of person you
are when it comes to love, it all comes down to one thing, getting someone to
go on a date with you. Let me speak to
the girls first. Girls, do you remember
when you were in middle school and high school and you liked a boy? Do you
remember the countless amounts of time you spent on your appearance to try to
impress him? It is a fact that this is less significant as the female
subconscious matures, but think about it, when has a woman ever stopped worrying
about her appearance? Girls, do you remember feeling butterflies in your
stomach whenever you were around or with that boy? Well let me tell you this,
even into marriage when you find that one special man that makes all your
dreams come true, you will always have butterflies in your stomach every time
you see the one you love.
Now boys, do you remember how when
you went on your first date with a girl? How about the second? How about the
third? How many of you got a talking to from the girl’s father. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about for
those of you that have. Do you remember
how when you dated I’m middle school you were limited in where you could
go? Then suddenly you were in high
school and you had a car. Now you could
go just about anywhere. For those of you
that had to talk to the girl’s fathers, do you remember how awkward it was?
(Maybe it wasn’t for some of you.) Let me tell you something, for those of you
that had to speak to the girls fathers before you could date the girl, just
wait till marriage. Dads DO NOT like
losing their daughters to jerks and losers.
So you better have learned something and put on a good act if her dad
happens to talk to you if you want to marry that wonderful woman.
Now lets get to that subject we
have all been waiting for, the first kiss.
Lets play out the scenario: you and your boyfriend or girlfriend has
been dating for some time now. You
REALLY like each other. You are out
somewhere doing something either romantic or just fun. As the date progresses you and your boyfriend
or girlfriend pass each other passing glances.
Eventually the date ends and you are on the doorstep of your girlfriends
or boyfriends house. You are staring
deeply into each other’s eyes as you say your goodbyes. Then it happens, one or both of you close in
and kiss.
This is somewhat of a fantasy
scenario that is likely to happen but the percentage chance is probably like
30-40 percent. Just think back to the
very first romantic kiss you had. Think
of how it sent you spiraling into the sky like a rocket to the moon. Think about how every other time you share a
romantic kiss with someone you love you get the same feeling. However, if there is one fact, no kiss can
ever match the feeling of your first kiss.
What you are feeling is not
anything magical or special, it’s a psychological connection between you and
the person you’re kissing. It all has to
do with the frontal lobe of the brain.
The frontal lobe of the brain basically controls conscious thought and
emotions. Remember the spark I talked
about earlier? Well that’s where that big spark is taking place, and when you
kiss your boyfriend or girlfriend there’s an explosion of sparks in your
frontal lobe area of your brain. Every
time you see your boyfriend or girlfriend the same sparks fly in your frontal
lobe. However, over time those sparks
weaken and eventually the relationship falls out of place. This is where break ups happen, or worse,
cheating.
When you first begin dating a girl
or guy, you get to know them for whom they are.
You learn their likes, dislikes, favorite sports, preferred foods,
etc. As you get to know each other
really well and the relationship intensifies you begin to get physical. Kissing, cuddling, holding hands, making out,
but do you ever stop and think for a second, “how much do I know about this
person?” I mean how much do you REALLY know about your boyfriend or
girlfriend. Lack of knowledge on your
boyfriend or girlfriend can and probably will lead to fights.
Think about this, most guys like
sports, sex, violence, focusing the attention on themselves, and having control
over situations. While most guys will
disagree with me, how many fights have occurred either between you and your
boyfriend or two guys because of any of these things. How many fights have occurred because of
rivalry between guys because of the sports teams that they like? How many fights have occurred because of the
violent nature of men? Ladies I want you to know something about boys, when you
are not around the most common thing we talk about is sex. You guys can’t deny it; you know its true.
While that is all true about guys,
a guy can also be a girl’s prince charming.
Guys know how to sweep a girl off her feet with roses, jewelry, candy,
and poetry. Guys want nothing more than
to be with the most beautiful girl they can find, and some guys see beauty
differently than others. Guys will
protect the women they love at any cost.
Ladies, when a man is truly in love, he would put his life on the line
for you. He would travel a thousand
miles to find you if you ever went out and got lost. I know I would.
Now guys, women are very
complicated people. They are always
looking for someone to shed their emotions on.
Girls are almost always competing when it comes to getting boyfriends. Girls can be very harsh; they will not
hesitate to spread rumors about another girl or guy. While guys are more violent, girls can fight
just as much, but for different reasons.
Girls usually fight over guys because as far as I’ve noted, girls are
more territorial when it comes to their “significant others”.
On the other hand, girls can be the
most loving members of the human race.
There is nothing a girl wants to do more than make her boyfriend
happy. So as long as a girl is happy,
there’s nothing more a girl wants to do than make her boyfriend happy. From watching girls as I was growing up, I
have noted that girls are very hard to keep happy. They are very sensitive and deserve the
utmost emotional respect. To upset a
girl should be shunned by society, because when you upset a girl there is no
stopping the hurricane that is yet to come from it.
In the basics of it, you must have
a good understanding of your boyfriend or girlfriend in order to avoid
fights. Now I’m not saying that fights
are not going to happen. I can’t say
that because by nature, every relationship results in a fight at some
point. What you shouldn’t do is let one
fight be the reason why you break up.
That brings us to the subject of break ups. Let me give you some statistics, most high
school and college dating relationships last on an average of 5-8 months, why
not more? Well there are many reasons why break ups can occur: loss of interest
in one person or both, one person finds someone else who makes them happier,
cheating, or fading out. These are
probably the most common reasons of why break ups occur. I know that there may be others, but I am
just going to discuss these four because they are the most popular.
First, loss of interest in one or
both people. To put things simple, the
first person in a relationship to fall out is LIKELY to be the guy. Now don’t go quoting me on that because not
all guys were raised the same. However,
most guys are raised to hide their emotions.
This can make it very hard to tell if your boyfriend is falling out of
place. It is easier to tell if your
girlfriend is because girls are usually raised to share their emotions.
What usually happens is that that
guy loses interest, but the girl doesn’t notice due to the fact that she is too
focused on talking to him. I have seen
it everywhere; girls are just constantly looking for someone to talk to. When they are upset it helps to be able to
talk to someone. For girls that is
either a close girlfriend or a boyfriend.
I have consistently noted that when girls are hanging out with their
boyfriends, they love to talk to them about things that happened to them since
the last time they talked. I should have
remembered this from all the girls I was friends with. Most guys don’t like hearing all this stuff,
so they will try to bring up something else about them, sometimes. A LOT of guys are egomaniacs, the kind of guy
that is always talking about himself and sometimes trying to show off to other
girls. (How many of you girls out there know one of those?)
Lets get to the basics, how can you
tell if some one is falling out? Well with some people you can, others you
cant. Just about every person has a
“poker face”. I’m not talking about
something that you use when you play cards.
I’m talking about a specific way that people hide that they are
lying. The most common is body
language. The eyes and the voice can
also give away information that the body cannot.
If you spend enough time around a
person, you can tell when they are lying.
Everybody knows that the eyes and the body can give away when a person
is lying. Try this technique next time
you want to find out whether or not someone is lying. Ask them questions that you know they will
answer truthfully. Then watch their
body, eyes, mouth, and listen to their voice; note it. Then ask them questions that are awkward that
you know that they will most likely lie to.
Do the same process again. Make
sure you ask the same number of questions and look and listen carefully.
Every person has something that
they do when they lie that they don’t when they tell the truth. The more pressure they’re under, the more
extreme the motion or whatever. Human
nature has two sides to it: positive and negative. Negative, in relation to relationships, is
things like: lying, cheating, fighting, break ups, abuse, divorce, and if
forced upon the other person, rape.
Positive can lead to things like: healthier relationships, romance, sex,
kissing, dating, marriage, and love.
There may be others, but again, don’t come out to kill me or shout them
into my face because I didn’t name them.
Loss of interest can lead to
serious fighting in a relationship that may already be on the ropes. So make sure that you try to be honest with
each other. It is ok to lie sometimes,
but just don’t do it all the time.
One big no-no in relationships is to build a relationship based on each
other’s weaknesses. NEVER do this! While
every relationship has its weak points, a relationship based on the two peoples
weaknesses is bound to be a dog eat dog world where both people wear bacon
pants. Just make sure you know each
other well enough before you decide to intensify your relationship.
If you or your boyfriend or
girlfriend has lost interest in one or the other or both, you may go out without
your boyfriend or girlfriend knowing and try to date other people. Sometimes you will find someone that makes
you very happy and makes you feel very good emotionally. The only problem with this is that when this
happens people date this person while they continue to date their other
girlfriend or boyfriend. This is a very
bad idea because it is cheating and when your “significant other” finds out,
you better hope that you and the person you’ve been cheating with have good
life insurance and have good insurance on your property.
Cheating is another reason why
break ups occur. This is probably one of
the worst ways to break up. To find out
that your boyfriend or girlfriend has been dating behind your back while they
were dating you. That is a shot to the
heart and the balls (if you are a guy).
To break up with someone because of cheating is probably the biggest
mistake a person could make. If it’s a
girl dating another guy, he better be able to beat the crap out of the girl’s
current boyfriend. If it’s a guy dating
a girl, she better be either better looking or be able to take an onslaught of
horrific rumors. If someone finds a
person who makes him or her happier than the person that they are with, they need
to either break up with their current boyfriend or girlfriend or at least tell
them that they are leaving them before its too late.
Fading out, that is my favorite
break up technique. Its not really a
reason for breaking up, its more just a very common way that people break
up. Guys most commonly do it. Usually the person will stop liking their
partner, fall for another person, or just lose interest. These people will, instead of breaking up in
person (or in a text message or e-mail, can you believe the assholes who
actually do that?!), they just fade out and eventually stop talking to
you. Girls, if you are calling and
calling and calling, and your guy never answers, even when you leave voicemails
or text messages. Or if he's making
constant excuses of why he cant talk to you or see you, he is either seeing
someone else, VERY VERY busy, or is just not interested any more and will not
tell you off. The same goes for you
guys. If the same thing happens to you,
it may be time to move on.
How can all these things be
prevented? Communicate with each other more.
If you are having some problems in your relationship with your
girlfriend or boyfriend, let them know.
Just be sure to let them know in a way that doesn’t offend them. Dealing with problems before they get out of
hand can actually prevent a catastrophic break up. What you need to understand is that every
relationship ends at some point, till you find mister or misses right and you
find the person you want to be with forever.
Before you go out and get married though, sit down and talk about what
your expectations are for the relationship.
Compromise and work together, its what keeps a relationship alive.
A quick note: break ups can hurt,
they can hurt very bad. If you just
broke up with someone or someone just broke up with you and your feeling upset,
find some friends or family that you can talk to. Keep your head high and keep fighting. Eventually love will find it’s way again. Just hang around the people that make you
happy till it does.
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