Thursday, October 15, 2015

questions that keep me up at night:


how do bacteria communicate to one another, and do they have racist bacteria? 
what if humans evolved from dung beetles or rubber trees? 
if you somehow fell through the center of the earth with nothing to stop you, would you simply yoyo up and down for all eternity? 
what would happen if you hooked a cathedor up to a party baloon inflation tank? 
what if we lived in a world where being gay was the most common thing and straight people were treated as we treated gays and lesbians? 
if the sky were the ground and the ground the sky, what would the purpose of outer space be?
if humans evolved from apes, why is the animal with the closest anatomical structure to a human being a pig? 
and if athiests dont believe in gods or an afterlife, why do they get pissed off when people tell them their lives have no meaning?
when someone says "i dont mean to be [insert judgemental subject here]" why is the next thing out of their mouth "[insert judgemental subject once more]"?
if everyones doing it why am i NOT?
if a ballon gets depressed does that mean it needs some blow to get high again?
can animals talk to each other?
why do dogs always bark at the mailman, even newborn puppies?
why do dogs hate the ups guy more than the mailmen?
why is a womans menstration cycle called a "period"? periods are the end of a sentence, or a specific segment in time. why use something that both describes an abrupt end AND a long winded extensive collection of time where god knows what may have happened, to describe a woman defocating the lining of her internal egg sack?
why are the reproductive organs called "gonads"? seriously?! "go"..."nads"...its like something a guy yells watching the game on tv. "go! nads! go! nads!" also REALLY"?! were calling our reproductive organs "gonads". its like some sexist male scientist just sat down one day, looked between his legs, then thought of sex and thought, "hey, lets call them 'gonads' cause when they are being used those 'nads are gonna get going!"

Thursday, October 1, 2015

if someone from the 1950's came from the past to see the future.... [or, im only explaining it once!]

questions that would be hard to explain to a time traveler from the 1950's...

  • "its not bribery! its a corporate bail out!"
  • "yes, you heard me right we lost his brain. we dont know how it happened but we lost his brain".
  • "no! no! stupid! its pronounced 'i can has cheezeburger.' say it right!"
"no. russia is not a smoldering crater. actually nobody won."
"we landed on the moon. what is so hard to believe about that?"
"yes he's white now.."
"dont complain to me that theres over 2000 channels and nothing to watch..."
"obama care my old friend.."
"yes i know she cant act... wait what?! you like this movie?! team edward?! why you little!..."
"no its not a disease. you cant treat it and they have equal rights now. yes...THEM too."
"do you happen to know how they wiped out smallpox? no? what about polio? the black plague?"
"you want someone to blame? blame HIM...no you idot, his SON."
"well its called 'common core'..."
"no they dont fly, yes i know we went to the moon; look we are far from that...yes we still have strip clubs and cigarettes..."
"studio 54 died awhiile ago."
"no, its a metaphorical ceiling"
"yes they outlawed it. around 2013."
"its a show about a talking bear and i think the stage crew from the cheech and chong shows."
"because its fox's oldest running animated show. no, he doesnt get more stupid each year, that would imply he was smart to begin with."
"i dont know either, the last two fix made were just as bad."
"no, actually he brought the priests to trial and supports gay marraige."
"its a show about the fruit god tossed out of eden, i think." 
"stop doing cocaine!"
"its called an apple ma- hey! stop trying to eat my computer!"
"i know its named after dessert foods! that doesnt make it edible!"