the adventures of RADIOACTIVE GUY! (WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS!)
episode 1: THE POWER OF ASS!
(WARNING ADULT CONTENT AND LANGUAGE USED!!)
NARRATOR (deep commanding voice): it was a bright and sunny day and- ok you know what? screw this happy sunshine bit! who wrote thus crap? a four year old hyped up on halloween candy?!
DIRECTOR (nasaly obnixious voice): just read the script scotty.
NARRATOR (slightly annoyed): fine, but- (flips through the pages) what the hell? "he took a bite from the microwave burrito, not realizing that a piece of uranium ore was wrapped inside and it wasnt a burrito at all". HE GETS HIS FUCKING POWERS FROM A URANIUM BURRITO?!
DIRECTOR: just read your part and stop skipping ahead.
NARRATOR: seriously, how would you go about eating a uranium burrito? and wouldnt that turn your farts into atomic bombs? for that matter how would you even make a uranium burrito?
DIRECTOR: just read the script!
NARRATOR (annoyed): oh fine for gods sake; it was a dark and rainy day-
DIRECTOR: no thats not what it says-
NARRATOR: hey fuck you todd; im reading this the way i damn want to. ok now wheres my fucking paycheck?
DIRECTOR: this is for charity.
(silent pause for 10 seconds)
NARRATOR: MOTHER FU-
(intro music plays)
it was a friday afternoon and doctor peter dick johnson jr. was preparing to head home for work. he still questioned hsi decision to go into proctology. it isnt really a great conversation opener;
"hey hows life going for a pretty lady like yourself".
and she would respond, "im just waiting around for someone, maybe go on a date or more. what do you do for a living?"
"oh i spend my life shoving my fingers up guys asses-"
and she would be gone before the sentence is finished.
life as a proctologist is bad enough, it really didnt help that peter glowed like a lightbulb half the time. ever since he accidentally ate a microwave uranium burrito-
NARRATOR (deep annoyed voice): the fuck?! seriously?! how the hell do you accidentally eat a uranium burrito?!
NARRATOR 2 (normal confuse voice): hey man im trying to tell a story here!
NARRATOR (sarcastically): oh really? i thought i was listening to a lexcture on existentializm and the properties of evolution from charles darwin.
NARRATOR 2: really?! i didnt think i was THAT g-
NARRATOR (annoyed): no you imbecile! this is the most idiotic story i have ever heard! and why is the main characters name four different yuothanizms for penis?
NARRATOR 2: hey shut up and let me do my job!
NARRATOR: no you shut up you damn horny toad.
NARRATOR 2: youre a toad!
NARRATOR: seriously? thats your best comeback? who writes YOUR material, your SON?
NARRATOR 2: man this is his stupid book! im only reading it so he will stop bugging me.
DR. PETER JOHNSON: HEY CAN YOU BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP?! IM TRYING TO LIVE OUT THIS STORY HERE!
NARRATOR 1 &2 TOGETHER (in shock): holy mother of cow shit! youre real?!
DR. PETER JOHNSON: yes i am and i am getting annoyed.
DIRECTOR: hey stop it you three! your breaking the fourth wall! OH GOD NOW IM DOING IT! GWAAAAAAAH!
(after many hours of fighting and screaming the story continues.....sadly.)
dr. johnson was once the worlds most highly credited proctologist. now he is the worlds most renouned ass digger who occaisionally glows like a neon sign carelessly hung above the fron door of a strip club. living a life as a walking human lightbulb was not really as interesting as dr. johnson though it would be. add the irony of his full name being four different slang terms for penis, and he pretty much hit the freak lottery.
life before the accidental ingestion of a radioactive burrito was not much worse. by day dr. johnson is a world renouned glowing proctologist; by night dr. johnson is...still a world renouned proctologist. what? did you think i was going to make some stupid superhero batman reference? seriously?! the man is abou as subtle as a cat wearing musical sneakers and a stick of lit dynamite while trying to sneak out of a dog park. have you ever tried to run away from the cops with light up sneakers?! its fucking impossible! like playing battle ship in front of a mirror.
anyways, radioactive ma-
DIRECTOR: WHOA HOLD ON!
NARRATOR: oh for gods sake! what the hell is it now?!
DIRECTOR: you cant call him that.
NARRATOR 2: wait why cant we call him radioactive ma-
NARRATOR: because that name is already been copyrighted.
DIRECTOR: how about the human torch? cause he glows?
NARRATOR 2: no thats also copyrighted.
DIRECTOR: then how about we change the story so that he has a girlfriend who gets sick and only true love teetering on the edge of date rape can save her?
NARRATOR 2: sleeping beauty.
NARRATOR: and snow white.
DIRECTOR: then what if we made him fall in love with a werewolf and have the relationship practically a furry porn?
NARRATOR: beauty and the beast.
NARRATOR 2: and american tale.
DIRECTOR: THE FUC- fine! lets turn everyone into frogs and make the whole story horribly racist!
DR. PETER JOHNSON: the princess and the frog.
DIRECTOR: what the hell?! how did you get in here?!
DR. PETER JOHNSON: i dont know, but have any of you had your prostate checked latel-?
NARRATOR: hell no you arent shoving your hand up my ass!
NARRATOR 2: ah heeel nah muntha fuckah! aint nobody stickin anythin up mah ass!
DIRECTOR: wait when did you become black?!
DR. PETER JOHNSON: i can has anal exam?
DIRECTOR: has everyone her gone mad?! (pauses for a second) wait if you three are here....then whos acting the doctors part at the hospital?
(meanwhile thousands of miles away...oh wait thats something else. meanwhile at the hospital a man in a brown coat and wearing a brown hat is being escorted out in handcuffs by two police officers.)
THE DOCTOR (in a british accent): hey, you cant arrest me! im the doctor!
OFFICER 1: sir you not only do not have a liscense to practice medicine; you dont even have any identification on you.
OFFICER 2: and that thing you call a screwdriver completely incopassitated a six year old boy.
THE DOCTOR: but i am the doctor! (as the officers slam the back door of the squad car shut.)
OFFICER 1: man that was almost as bad as those kids with the taling dog who we arrested for breaking into the 9/11 crash site.
OFFICER 2: and they were chasing some man in a gorilla suit.
OFFICER 1: man why dont people just leave the fucking law in the hands of the people who are liscensed to take care of it?
(back at the studio)
DR. PETER JOHNSON: im sure he'll be fine; i bet right now hes already had his hands inside tons of guys asses.
DIRECTOR: when you say your job like that it really DOES sound gay...
NARRATOR 2: shut up theres a penis in my butt.
NARRATOR: wait what was that?
NARRATOR 2: what was what?
NARRATOR: you said theres a penis in your butt.
NARRATOR 2: no i didnt.
DR. PETER JOHNSON: no, no, i heard it too.
NARRATOR 2: who cares what you think? your entire life has been based off invading the bungholes of every man you see.
HEY HOW ABOUT ALL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I BURN THIS STORY WITH YOU IN IT?! I AM TRYING TO ENJOY A SIMPLE STORY AND ITS TURNING INTO A PILE OF DONKEY SHIT!
DIRECTOR: who the hell is that?
I AM THE READER! I HAVE AUTHORITY OVER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY. I COULD SKIP TO THE END IF I WANTED.
NARRATOR 2: i call bullshit!
DR. PETER JOHNSON: i call hacks!
NARRATOR: this isnt a video game you imbecile!
OK THATS IT!
(fast forward tape noise.)
"SO RADIOACTIVE GUY, FINALLY RID OF HIS TIRESOME POWERS, WALKED OFF INTO THE SUNSET. HIS PURPOSE NOW FINISHED, HE HOPES THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE HE WILL ONE DAY FIND PURPOSE FOR LIFE AGAIN.
NARRATOR: son of a bi-
(ending credits roll)
THE END! OR IS IT? I DONT KNOW, IM JUST A READER! A READER WHO LOVES SPOILERS! SPEAKING OF SPOILERS:
1. snape kills dumbledore
2. harry is the tru owner of the elder wand.
3. light yagami dies
4. pumira is secretly working for mum-rah
5. ichigo kills aizen
6. momo dies
7. gin is a good guy and gets killed by aizen.
8. yugi moto beats jaydin yuki
9. saske beats naruto
10. sym-bionic titan never finished its series\
11. direct tv isnt worth the air their employees breathe
12. ashton kutcher is a total douche
13. all the homunculus die, including father
14. inuyasha gets together with kagome
15. ganta is a badass
16. ash ketchum never grows up
17. rose and jack could have both lived if they tied their life vests to the board they were floating on.
18. steve never went to college, he was just caught doing crack backstage.
19. the cake is a lie.
20. roarshock dies\
21. they all die at the end of dawn of the dead.
22. mitt romney lost the 2012 election (can you believe some people still dont believe that?!)
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