shadowline saga: chapter 1

chapter 1: the emptiness and the void

i have lost the will to live. the world hates me and fears me. i have two friends left out of everyond and anyone i have ever known. i had to pull out of college and still dont know wtf i want to major in. my days consist of waking up, watching tv, baking food a few times a week, composing music and poetry that nobody will read or listen to, drawing a few potos that nobody ever looks at, and going back to sleep.
the most entertainment i ever have is when i decide to do stupid things like freeze oranges and eggs or see if my slingshot can pop a paintball. or i get lucky and can go to buy drinks at walmart. i sleep more hours each day than a typical cat and when im awake i barely hev the energy to walk to the bathroom.
my nights consist of horrible visions and horrors that cause me ptsd equivalent to that of a vietnam war vet. half the time i wake up crying and end up curled up in the fetal position shaking in fear till i fall back asleep. i cant drink alcohol, i cant drive, i cant ride a bike, i cant rollerblade, i cant even ride the bus. half the time when i try to do anything something goes horribly wrong.
i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, i cant comsume alcohol, im allergic to milk AND lactose intolerant, i cant eat meat without tasting the pain and suffering the animals went through, the acl in my left knee is shot to hell and my back has a permanent injury that wont heal, not to mention im now having heart trouble and constantly fighting off an illness that doctors still havent been able to identify.
im 22 and will soon be 23, but i feel like im 85 and turning 150. i have a house full of things that i cant even sell because amazon and ebay have banned me with no reason and refuse to file my disputes or even telk to me. i have a home with nobody to live with and a garage with no car to go in it. whats worse is i havent been held in love in 20 years and i havent dated, been kissed, kissed, been in love, had sex, or even been hugged or held a girls hand.
i hate romance, i hate the world, i hate everyone and everything; all people do is judge me and fear me with no thought to what kind of person i really am. people treat me like im some monster or abomination that needs to be chased away with pitchforks and torches. its like this entire universe doesnt want me in it.
i have nothing to live for and nothing to die for. i am a firefly in a world with no light. and im going to go to sleep tonight and nobody is going to read this, nobody is going to care what i have to say, and im going to wake up to the same day i always do. im going to live this cycle of nothingness till the weight of my pain and suffering nails the lid on my coffin shut.
and i can do nothing to change my life. so i will just keep going into this pit of eternal darkness till i can find the light. i will just keep moving forward till i reach the end of the universe and fall off. and as such will tuble through eternity till i am caught by the hands of fate.